*This is the second of a two part blog series on parenting through cancer. Here's part one.
Hashing it out with Kyle, my Jack-to-Jack Coach – who’s also a dad.
Kyle, how did you know your kids were getting the support they needed to get through your cancer journey?
No one can know that with 100% certainty, but's it's a noble thing to strive for. Kids rarely have the language tools they need to communicate what's on their hearts. I do my best to keep an open dialogue with them, checking in often, ideally making it something that isn't awkward to talk about. Directly asking them questions like, "How are you feeling about your mom?" Especially after she's been through a particularly difficult treatment.
What have you done to make sure your kids are getting the support they need?
We started sending our kids to Camp Angel and other programs like it as soon as they were old enough to go. And like I said, making sure they get that support at home too, not just at external events or programming. I strive to create a 24/7 safe environment where they feel safe to share what they're up against. Of course, I'm not always successful with that, but who is? We also decided early on to engage them in the process of their mom's care. We noticed they acted strange when her head would get shaved. So, the next time it needed to be shaved, we had them do it together. Of course, at first they were nervous but by the end they were laughing and everyone was having fun with it.
My 11 year-old administers his mom's Neupogen shots, and he's good at reminding her when it's time for stuff like that. When I was a brand-new cancer caregiver and we were just going from appointment to appointment, from room to room, I went through all that not sure why I was even there. I felt totally useless. It was all about the patient and I was just, well - lost. So I do my best to keep my kids from ever having that feeling. No one I've ever met likes feeling lost or useless. We trust them to serve on the caregiving team, they have a role to play, their contributions are important.
Tell me about the activities that your kids have done through the Angel Foundation and how they've helped the kids - and maybe you.
Often at Angel camp, they do lots of stuff that has nothing to do with cancer. It's all about just being a kid with other kids who are in the same boat. They get "it", whatever "it" is. That stuff is important, because cancer can consume your life and you need to be around people that can empathize but at the same time there's so much more to connect with those people about.
They also learned about cancer and how the body works in fun and creative ways. They came home with Ziploc baggies with marshmallows (white blood cells) in red slime (blood) and the Angel staff uses that to help them learn about the immune system. Or the "port bear" they came home with one summer that had a port just like their mommy does. One of my boys left that bear accidentally on a plane right after camp and he was a very unhappy camper, he'd grown very attached to that bear.
Again, the staff uses tools like that to help the children get their heads around what stuff really is, how it really works, and why it's there. Creative activities like that bring clarity to "What the hell are these adults talking about?" and without that clarity, kids will invent their own reality that is often much scarier than the truth. That monster under the bed is usually just their old stuffed animal.
What I remember learning at workshops put on about how kids deal with crisis is that for young children it really is, at least initially, all about them. If their parent isn't safe, then that means they aren't safe. They don't have the words for this, so they just freak out. Or shut down. Or lash out. Fear can do freaky things to people, and kids are no exception. Step one is getting them to understand that whatever happens to their parents, they will be safe. They will be provided for. Only after that can you effectively move on to the next steps of dealing with the other fears they have.
What bit of advice would you have for parents raising their kids in a cancer situation?
I'll give just one tip - remember that the behavior you model for your kids is gonna be the behavior you get from them.
For example, if you want them to be vulnerable with you and tell you what they’re really thinking and feeling, then guess what? They need to see YOU have the courage to do that - you gotta go first. And not just occasionally. It needs to be your M.O. I'm not saying spill your guts about every challenge you’re facing as an adult because they'll get their turn. But if all they see and hear from you is "everything's fine", "I'm not scared of anything", "Life is just easy peasy"... then that's the way they're gonna act too, even though it's total bullshit.
If you want your kids to be vulnerable with you, like in a meaningful way, in a way that matters, you gotta have the courage to be vulnerable in the exact same way with them. It’ll be scary at first especially if you've never done it, but I promise you'll discover that monster under your bed is just your old stuffed animal.
Has the adversity affected your relationship with your kids?
There's so much talk about post-traumatic stress which is a very real and sinister thing, but what I see in my family is post traumatic growth. I believe every family has the potential to experience growth in the wake of a cancer diagnosis.
I have a fantastic relationship with my kids and I believe that much of that quality comes from the difficult things we've been through together. 7 years of my youngest son praying for his "Mommy to end cancer safely". My kids have an incredible ability to empathize, it’s a muscle they’ve strengthened with years of practice. They can sense when I'm out of sorts, they'll hug me randomly and ask me if I'm ok. Maybe all kids do that to their parents but for an 8-year old that seems pretty like a mature thing to do. Of course, if I say I’m good I literally get kicked in the balls!