The Heavy Burden of THE LAST TIME...
My wife, who has been living with cancer for over 4 years, received some troubling news about our cancer journey. This isn't uncommon for those of us in the cancer world and there's actually a term for it: Scan Day . Despite what the name might imply, Scan Day isn't the scan itself that causes stress, it has more to do with the day the results are shared with the patient. Unfortunately, the all-too-often result of those scans contain depressing news for cancer patients, caregivers and families - and the receipt of that news creates a great deal of anxiety.
Our scan day results just came back...
What happens next is fairly predictable: denial, anger, depression, fear...right down the "Stages of Grief" list all over again. It's a helluva journey to be sure and worse-yet -- it repeats after many such scans (it doesn't get any easier on the next scan).
Such is the life of a cancer patient and their loving 'village' of supporters.
During this journey though, something else occurs to almost everybody in the village -- and I refer to this epiphany as "THE LAST TIME". It's a big epiphany and one that evokes extreme emotion, denial and fear. Some anger. Resentment. And it starts like this,
CAREGETTER: "Should we {insert activity here}?"
CAREGIVER: (thinks to self): How could I possibly say no since this might be the LAST TIME we ever get to do it?
CAREGIVER: "Yes, of course - let's do it!" -- out of fear, guilt and desperation that the {insert activity} will bring some joy to the CAREGETTER
This is a vicious circle of course, because nearly everything could be the LAST TIME for someone with cancer.
The last birthday
The last Christmas
The last New Years Eve
The last family vacation
The last Prom (for their children)
The last family photos
etc.
But here's the thing. We could all die any day -- literally just crossing the street or driving to work. We all know this and we've all known or heard of someone dying from non-cancer related events, whether old or young, healthy or sick.
Yet, for those of us in the cancer journey there seems to be an unfair disadvantage of KNOWING that the end might be drawing near and, as such, we often carry a massive burden of guilt whenever we approach a "LAST TIME" event. We feel like, since it might be the LAST TIME, we need to make sure it goes perfectly, flawlessly and is appreciated to the maximum level possible. The event itself happens and then the next event comes along (at this point in the journey, MANY things feel like "Last Time" events) -- and the process repeats.
What is often missing, though, is the appreciation along the way. The realization that the event isn't as important as the memories created. The event is just a conduit - a vehicle, if you will - to create and share good memories.
After 4.5 years of navigating this journey -- What I have come to learn and appreciate is that the best thing we can do, at any time, regardless of our relationship with cancer, is to CREATE GOOD MEMORIES.
Christmas, New Years and Prom photos are all good opportunities to create good memories, but we forget an obvious truth: A walk in the park can be a great time to create/share good memories. So is a shopping trip at the local coop grocery store, working on a puzzle or cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie together. We have opportunities to create and share memories every-single-day.
Two years ago, my wife had surgery that we hoped would rid her body of the cancer. We knew that air travel would be difficult, so we went on a 21-day, 5000+ mile trip in an RV with the sole purpose of Creating Good Memories. We have since traveled to Chicago, Toronto, Montreal, and Ottawa via RV -- watched countless movies, completed a handful of puzzles, started Qi Jong, meditated, started composting, researched and prepared countless 'healthy' recipes together, hosted dinner parties and watched our daughter navigate her first 3 years of high school -- creating good memories along the way. We keep a screensaver going at all times to show the pictures we've taken and the memories we've created and if we're ever feeling blue, we just sit and watch the pictures scroll by.
Not a single event in the span of our cancer journey, when our 'days were numbered', stands out to me as "better" yet our family agrees that these past few years have been some of the best times/memories ever! You see, it wasn't the destination or the event -- it was the time we spent together.
My advice to everyone -- not just those going through a cancer journey is to stop focusing on the LAST TIME and focus on the CURRENT TIME -- and make it memorable . Laugh together. Cry together. Look up at the stars or down at the sand. Cherish whatever time you have and make the most of it -- and remember it isn't about the place or the thing - it's almost always about the people next to you on the journey.
